How to Answer “What Are You Looking For?” on Dating Sites Like a Pro

How to Answer “What Are You Looking For?” on Dating Sites Like a Pro

Whether you’ve endured hundreds of disastrous first dates through apps already or are a total newcomer awaiting your inaugural swipe-sparked rendezvous, one seemingly innocuous yet deceptively complex question inevitably arises:

“So… what are you looking for on here?”

Cue the psychological panic spirals, cold sweats, and cursor hovering indecisiveness trying to craft the perfect response walking that tightrope between scaring someone off with hostility yet not coming across as a disingenuous conformist either. Because let’s face it – very few opening salvos invite as much potentially damaging pretentiousness or miscommunication as this dreaded inquiry into romantic intention and emotional availability.

Single folks, we’ve all been there in one way or another. But before you spiral into an existential crisis about inability to articulate the nuanced dating goals in your heart of hearts, take a deep breath. This ultimate guide covers the mindsets and phrasing strategies for adeptly addressing that very make-or-break question on apps smoothly yet vulnerably.

Because here’s the hard truth – if you can’t proactively represent yourself genuinely yet intriguingly about partnership philosophies right out the gate on dating sites, the chances of anything progressing much farther plummet. Ambiguous vernacular around “just looking to see what’s out there” or echoing the person’s vibe stinks of wishy-washy indecision that breeds doubts. Yikes.

But with some emotional intelligence tweaks, self-reflection, and refined communication around aspiration-level language, you too can convey your romantic standing and desires confidently yet open-mindedly. The goal: baiting intrigue about the substantive life experiences and philosophies shaping your partner criteria while leaving room for organic rapport to bloom simultaneously.

Let’s start by establishing the crucial distinctions between surface and soulful approaches for tackling this heavy-hitting dating query. Those who default toward one-note superficiality typically get confronted with disappointing outcomes.

The Surface Approach: What Not to Do

With 99% of users understandably trying to put their best foot forward, weak-sauce generalities ensue:

“Just looking to meet cool people and see what happens!”
“Taking things day by day and keeping an open mind.”
“Down for casual fun or potentially more serious if we click.”

Do any of those cop-out answers actually reveal much definitive depth about the human being behind them beyond platitudes? Not really. We already inherently know these are defaults meant for deflection and mollifying multi-option thirst. Yet ironically, such dialogue tree uniformity renders it all meaningless noise in hindsight.

Even more alarming vernacular that should raise giant red flags of situationship city toxicity include:

“Not sure, maybe just casual right now but could consider more down the road.”
“I’m kinda seeing what’s out there before settling down so keeping options open.”
“My ex and I just ended things, so I’m really just trying to have fun and take it slow.”

Yikes. All these ambiguous responses dripping with emotionally unavailable or actively rebounding energy, anyone worth their salt should autonomously swipe left for self-respect’s sake. Why even bother trying to unlock the misguided psyche of someone clearly not healed and wasting precious time?

Relying on basic, deflective surface responses like the above daters so often do proves rarely beneficial to finding lasting fulfillment. In fact, recycling those very scripts typecasts you into precisely the types of situationships and time-wasting entanglements that healthy minds seek to avoid. Rather than broaden horizons, you wind up mired in dead-ends.

The Consciously Vulnerable Approach: Dishing with Depth and Intention
Now that we’ve outlined what to avoid in the setup question in terms of pandering or greeting card sentimentality, let’s explore the thoughtful philosophies underlying resonant responses that breed mutual expansiveness both parties appreciate.

For starters

Resolve to represent your absolute truth about dating status, emotional availability and envisioned partnership pathways from the jump rather than incrementally gatekeeping information to appease and attract incrementally. Even if unvarnished, hardcore transparency means mutually concluding there’s no long-term fit quicker, honesty proves radically refreshing compared to love bombing and endless game playing.

Yet sharing authentically need not come across as aggressively humble-bragging or listing out a rambling manifest of dealbreakers either. The sweet spot lies in first considering your own personal dating “Why” and mirroring that intentional reflection back with respectable gravitas yet openness.

For example, daters burned in the past by being consistently led on or trapped in situationships could disclose their vulnerability with pragmatic yet compassionate candor:

“After being in a few relatrionships stretching way longer than they should have, I’m now prioritizing connecting with someone who sees partnership eye to eye – not just perpetual casual dating while secretly hoping things progress.”

“I like to get on the same page early about seeking lasting chemistry and potential futures together beyond flings. If we’re not aligned, it’s all good! But I don’t just date for activity.”

“I’ve honestly grown weary of endless ambiguity or constant hot/cold signals from dates acting disinterested after love-bombing me hardcore. So I now aim for utmost clearness to avoid wasting anyone’s time and move forward together intentionally or not at all.”

Notice how that transparency around firm intentions and self-worth avoids crossing any aggressive lines, yet emphasizes an abundance mindset facilitating mutual understanding of limits and compatibility. By leading with candid vulnerability around historically bleeding dating war wounds, these types of emotional posture make total sense (and can even come across endearingly mature).

Because at the end of the day – human beings yearn for authenticity even when the whole truth isn’t convenient or packaged neatly. Someone refreshingly grounded who’s self-aware enough to proclaim needs and non-negotiables over mindless romanticization exudes a rare confidence many find enticing.

Similarly, those seeking alignment around temporary non-committed rapport or a more casual partnership groove could emphasize prioritizing fun/flirting while being realistic and upfront about long-term mismatch:

“I’m in a transitional time of growth as an individual right now, so honestly nothing too intensely committed fits my life at present. But cultivating natural flirty chemistry and making beautiful connections motivates me a ton.”

“I’m an open book about my current relationship with commitment avoidance due to past emotional traumas. However I’m trying to evolve past that defensiveness and am down for epic dating adventures with cool humans like yourself.”

“While marriage and lifelong partnership are definitely long-term desires, right now I’m prioritizing anything building genuine comfort, trust and vibes. I firmly believe mindful casual intimacy can be incredibly rewarding when both parties approach it consciously.”

Already, the distinction between these outlooks on casual dynamics and the deflective “just wanting to have fun and mess around” vibes rings clear, right? Daters garner insight into the mindfulness behind someone’s relationship goals and presumed emotional baseline without guessing.

And more importantly, those evincing transparent interest in organically growing intimacy rather than perfunctory hookups generate intrigue over skepticism. Qualities like self-awareness, boundaries, and emphasis on natural connection tend to magnetize the romantic options these folks desire more readily.

Last but certainly not least, daters seeking the Hallmark movie-worthy forever love fairy tale tend to telegraph aspirations with elegant poise yet palpable passion:

“I’m the biggest believer in authenticity and human beings showing up in their fullest truth, imperfections and all. So in that spirit, I’m compelled to admit finding that special soulmate resonance fuels me these days.”

“After overcoming major self-esteem obstacles, I’ve reached a point where I yearn to know and appreciate someone else’s world completely too. So I’m less focused on checklist metrics and more on actualizing the type of cosmic partnership I’ve always envisioned behind these dating profiles.”

“I know I possess that capability for boundless love and am seeking the type of multidimensional intimate partner I can build generational wealth with in every sense – intellectual, spiritual, and familial bonding. I hope we vibrantly align in some capacity.”

Phrasing around transcendental love and connectivity may seem overly sentimental, but also hits deeper human truth chords. We all yearn for prospective lovers sold out on the timeless fairy tale, but mature enough to articulate appreciation for the journey rather than empty overnight fantasies.

And that, more than anything when candidly approaching this existentially loaded dating app question, proves compelling. Optimistic vulnerability embodied by someone beaming with self-worth and clear communication about their trajectory practically sends shockwaves across the apps.

Key Takeaways:

• Avoid recycling basic platitudes and cop-out lines around uncertainty or casual situationship energy if that’s not your truth
• Similarly, don’t falsely represent romantic intentions or relationship goals you can’t back up with genuine emotional availability
• Lead with authenticity about where you’re currently at in your process and partnership trajectory through introspection
• For casual daters, emphasize abundance outlooks, comfort-building, and boundaries rather than flings
• For committed daters, focus on compatibly aligned vision, vulnerability, and mindful attraction
• Convey depth without humble-bragging or logorrhea by concisely mirroring your “Why” courtship philosophies
• Most importantly, stand firmly behind the truth you’re representing about relationship expectations without making compromises
• But retain an open spirit simultaneously – you’re seeking mutual expansiveness, not checklist screening

In all my years coaching folks through dating dilemmas, this particular query around explicitly stating intentions always stirs up so much inner turmoil and ambivalence for reasons not completely understood. Modern self-help narratives constantly beckon us toward shrouding true desires for public palatability or “not scaring anyone away.”

But y’all – life’s too damn short for insecurities about vulnerability dictating the extent of intimacy we experience. Think about it. How many of your past entanglements or calendars blowing up on Friday nights stem back to someone’s original intentions or abilities to communicate transparently from Day 1?

So free yourself from those outdated mindset traps and take pride in standing firm in the depths of self-understanding shaping your unique dating expectations right now. No more putting on self-defeatist facades just to fly under the radar. No more pandering to fantasies of what potential paramours “want to hear.”

Just peerless candor. Immaculate vulnerable confidence. And a graceful openness to mutual expansiveness no matter the contexts. Mastering that healthy dialogue balance sets the tone for so much freedom to then blossom on your romantic journeys, whether partners prove aligned or not.

Ultimately, you’re seeking soul-level rapport and shared vision blossoming into sustained chemistry, not efficient courtship checklists or savvy rationale. So craft your representation around these game-changing opener intentions accordingly. The quality folks already ready for your vibe will swiftly emerge as you were always meant to connect.